We’re Bad at Celebrating our Anniversary… and That’s Okay

My husband and I haven’t had much luck in celebrating our wedding anniversary.  Granted, we’ve only had two chances, but both times were kind of a failure.

For our first wedding anniversary we were on opposites sides of the world, separated after the failed military coup in Turkey.  He was in Istanbul and I was in the US, waiting for my visa to be approved.  The separation was largely unplanned (as was, obviously, the coup, at least on our part) and the day was, quite frankly, depressing as hell.

This past anniversary– two days ago– both of us forgot about it until mid-afternoon.  We had flown into Istanbul the night before from the US, missing a night of sleep in the process, and we were jet lagged and disoriented.  I slept until 1pm that day.  My husband called me from work around that time, we chatted, neither of us remembering that it was our anniversary.  I remembered maybe a couple of hours later, and at some point, he called back and was like, “Uh, I forgot about something earlier…”

We celebrated by snuggling on the couch and going to bed early, after talking a bit about how gift-giving is relationships is kind of overrated anyway.

And that’s totally fine.

For starters, our anniversary was always going to be a little muddled.  We got married three times: once by officially signing the papers at the courthouse in Istanbul and getting our “Uluslararası Aile Cüzdanı” (International Family ID), and then by celebrating with one wedding in the US and one wedding in Turkey.  (Yes, I know we’re spoiled.  But with all the logistical difficulties of having an international marriage, it’s nice that it comes with some perks too!)  All of our “marriages” happened on vastly different days– at the beginning of August, the end of August, and the beginning of October.  So, we took the courthouse date– the day we officially got married– as our anniversary, but apparently we’re not very good at remembering it.

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And then we went on our honeymoon the following February, because why not stretch out the celebrations for six months? (Okay, the real reason was my work schedule. But it sounds fancier the other way.)

The real reason, however, that not doing very much for our wedding anniversary doesn’t bother me is that we already felt married by the time we actually *got* married.  Our lives didn’t magically change after that day; it truly just feels like a piece of paper, something official to let other people know what we already knew.

The anniversary of our first date always sticks in my mind, and holds a lot of meaning for me– that is a day that definitely did change my life.  And I knew pretty early on that we’d get married.  I know that some of my family members (ahem) were pretty appalled when I moved to Turkey with him when we had been together less than two years and weren’t even engaged yet, but I never had any doubts.

Recently we went back to North Carolina to see friends and we visited some of the places that, in our minds, were instrumental to the early days of our relationship.  We went to the cafe where we had our first date (an awkward couple of hours of chit-chatting over lattes), a diner where we got breakfast often, and, maybe the best one, the spot on the University of Chapel Hill campus where we used to sit on weekend mornings, drinking coffee and eating donuts (bought from the now-closed Krispy Kreme on Franklin Street) and people watching.  Both of us have strong associations with that perch under the trees; it’s more or less where we fell in love that first spring and summer that we dated.

Anniversaries are nice, and a good mile marker of sorts– it’s fun to see the years pass by with the person you love and have chosen to spend your life with–but so much of romance exists in the quiet everyday moments, some that you don’t even realize at the time, like how good it feels to have a relaxing Sunday binge-watching a TV series together or, sometimes, the simple act of drinking cheap coffee out of styrofoam cups under the green canopy of a college campus.

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Going Home/What I Miss

I leave in a couple of days for a two-week trip to the US to see my family.  Two weeks seems like a lot of time but it always goes quickly, and it’s never enough time to see the people I want to see; nevertheless, I’m looking forward to it.

I’ve been living abroad for three years now and it’s funny, the things I end up missing.  It’s never the things that I thought I would miss.  (This isn’t including people, of course– I always knew I would miss my friends and family.)  I was pretty homesick my first year in Turkey but it got a lot better after some adjustment, although Christmases away are still pretty hard.  But the things I miss most are things that I barely even noticed while living in the US.

I miss peanut butter.

I miss being able to walk into any clothing or shoe store and finding my size.  (Turkish women are tiny!… They don’t even sell my shoe size here.  The woes of being an almost-5’9” American woman living in Istanbul.)

I miss being able to find lots of different cuisines at the grocery store.

I miss stores and cafes opening earlier in the morning.

I miss central A/C.

I miss closets!  Oh how I miss closets.  One wardrobe is not enough storage for two people living in an apartment, and I don’t even know how families with small kids manage.  Where do other people store their vacuum cleaners?  The fake Christmas tree between seasons?  (Okay, maybe not too many Turkish households have to worry about that one…)  The sports equipment?  The luggage?  I NEED CLOSETS IN MY LIFE, DAMMIT.

But the thing I miss most of all is…. driving to Target.

Let me explain.

When I was living in the US, I didn’t have any particular affinity for Target.  I liked Target a regular amount– I went there when I needed to, but I never went around talking enthusiastically about how much I loved it or how great it was.  It was just a store I went to sometimes.

But now, when I think about things I’m excited to do when I go home, one of the first things that pops into my mind is getting in the car, driving to Target, and walking around.

I think it’s less because Target is just that awesome, and more because it represents everything that I can’t do in Istanbul.  Istanbul is a city of about 15,000,000 people, which is actually probably a low estimate, so hopping in a car and doing *anything* becomes difficult.  Istanbul traffic is horrendous.  This sometimes makes running mundane errands difficult.  We try to do most of our errands in our neighborhood, where we can walk to the stores, but on the occasions when we need to go to a bigger store elsewhere in the city, we take a deep breath, gird our loins, and accept it’s probably going to be at least half a day of battling with traffic and crowds.  There’s nothing fun about it.

And Target has everything– one stop and you’re done.  Again, this is very different from Istanbul, where we end up going to multiple stores to find the things we need.

So the thought of getting in a car and driving on calm, mostly clear roads to Target and being able to get everything in one fell swoop sounds almost Utopic.

Of course, there are good things about living abroad that balance out the things I miss– I might miss Target, but not enough to move back for it.  And there are things that utterly confuse me about the US now when I visit.  (The serving sizes are huge! … Why is the smallest size of a milkshake 16 ounces?  You can’t even get a milkshake that big in Turkey!  And why oh why does someone need that many different options for toothpaste?)

Bags are (almost) packed, passport is in my purse… I’m ready to go.

 

 

 

 

How To Eat Like A Turk

I was cooking dinner tonight and as I got a lemon and a container of yogurt out of the fridge, it occurred to me that I use both of those things almost every day now– a habit that I only picked up after moving to Istanbul.  It got me thinking and I thought it would be fun to write up a post about some of the awesome food culture in Turkey.  Enjoy!

1) Put Lemon On Everything

Cut open a lemon and give it a squeeze over whatever you’re eating.  Seriously, it works with almost anything, and really brightens up flavors.

2) Put Yogurt On Everything, Too

One of the best things I’ve learned from living in Turkey is that yogurt is super versatile, not just for a sweet snack with tons of added sugar.  Turks use regular plain yogurt (sour-tasting) and süzme yogurt (strained yogurt, similar in texture to Greek yogurt) as a regular part of meals– both by itself, with spices (I love putting a bit of garlic powder and mint in plain süzme yogurt and eating it as a snack or a side), dolloped on meat, lentils, into soups…. it’s everywhere in the cuisine here, and it’s delicious.

3) Accept That Your Fish Stares Back At You

Fish in Turkey are almost always served whole, with head and scales and tail, and you de-bone it yourself and pick out the meat.  It’s also common to get little fried anchovies called hamsi and eat them whole, even the bones.  The first time or two it’s weird, but then you get used to it (mostly because it tastes so good).

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4) Realize That Small Dishes Are Amazing

Meyhane is a type of restaurant where you get a bunch of mezes (small dishes similar to Spanish tapas) for the table to share, along with a bottle or two of raki (anise-flavored liquor similar to Greek ouzo) and each person typically gets their own fish course.  However, I love mezes so much that my husband and I often skip the fish course and just have a long dinner of nothing but side dishes, and enjoy the heck out of it.  This is my favorite kind of Turkish dining.

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And sometimes, a kitten wanders over to help you eat your mezes

5) Carve Time Out Of Your Weekend For A Long, Glorious Breakfast

Turkish breakfasts are my other favorite kind of dining here.  Like in meyhanes, proper Turkish breakfasts are long and made up of many different small dishes.  Of course most Turks don’t eat like that every day (and who has time for that before going to work?), but oh man, Turkish breakfast is like brunch on steroids.

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6) Cut Down On Sugar

There isn’t much added sugar in Turkish foods, not even really in their baked goods.  Most of their cookies and cakes are way less sweet than their American counterparts.  There are exceptions to this, of course– like birthday cakes with lots of frosting, and tres leches cake has become very popular here– but generally cakes don’t have frosting at all.  When desserts are super sweet, it’s usually because it’s been soaked in syrup.

7) Drink Tea, Not Coffee

Turkish coffee is a cultural institution and great (albeit very, very strong– imagine a shot of espresso with the grounds still in it), but it’s usually only drunk after meals to help with digestion.  Instead, Turks typically drink black tea in the mornings and throughout the day.  The tea is strong too, brewed for 15-20 minutes in a double boiler until a concentrate is made and then mixed with warm water according to taste, and is drunk in little tulip-shaped glasses.

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8) Be Open To Weird Flavor/Texture Combinations

There are some Turkish dishes that most Americans would never imagine working.  Some of them I love, like künefe, a dessert that has melty cheese surrounded by shredded wheat, submerged in syrup, and topped with kaymak (a kind of sweet, creamy butter) and sometimes pistachios.  If it sounds heavy, it is; don’t expect to be able to move afterwards.  But it’s delicious!  Others, like ayran, a frothy yogurt drink with salt, have been more of an acquired taste.  Regardless, there are a lot of flavor combinations that seemed weird when I moved here that now seem totally normal and appealing.

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Yogurt and salt– what’s not to love?

9) Put Egg On Your Pizza

Or pide, to be more specific.  Pide is the Turkish version of pizza, and it’s the same kind of idea– there’s dough, and you put stuff on top of the dough, and you bake it.  Simple.  There are some differences, though, like the fact that pide doesn’t have tomato sauce.  Another (amazing) difference is that you can get an egg on your pide.  Either scrambled or just kind of cracked on top.  Such a great idea, I don’t know why more cultures haven’t picked this up.

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10) Speaking Of Eggs… Cook Them With Peppers And Tomatoes

I’ll be honest, even after two and a half years here, I don’t know how to cook many Turkish dishes– a lot of them require lots of hands-on work and long cooking times, and, well, I’m more about the quick dinners after work.  But one thing that is super easy to make and super delicious is menemen, where eggs are scrambled with chopped peppers, tomatoes, and olive oil (or butter).  My husband used to make an improvised version of this using salsa when we lived in the US, but real Turkish menemen is heavier on the green peppers.  You can also add different cheeses and meats to it if you want, or you can eat it plain.  Here is an English-language version of the recipe from Ozlem’s Turkish Table.

11) Roll Your Bagels In Sesame Seeds

Turkish simit are like thin, crispy-on-the-outside, soft-on-the-inside bagels that have been covered in sesame seeds.  We used to find frozen ones in a Turkish store in North Carolina and they are worth the trek if you have an international foods store in your area.  Or you can try to make them at home, if you’re feeling ambitious.

12) Eat Raw Meat

Okay, not really… but there is a dish called çığ köfte, which literally translates into “raw meatball,” and did indeed used to be made out of raw red meat.  Now, though, there’s a wonderful vegetarian version made out of bulgar mixed with bread crumbs, tomato paste, walnuts, and spices.  Typically it’s eaten wrapped in a lettuce leaf and squeezed with lemon.  It’s a great light lunch or dinner.  My back-up life plan is to move to the US and market çığ köfte to hipsters as exotic health food (vegan! served with lemon and lettuce! made with exotic oriental spices) and charge them a lot of money for it without mentioning that it’s one of the cheapest foods you can get in Turkey.

13) Load Up On Lots Of Fresh Fruits And Vegetables

Unlike in the United States, fresh produce is one of the cheapest foods you can buy in Turkey, and there are vegetable and fruit stands literally on almost every corner of Istanbul, so it’s easy to grab anything you need on the way home.

There are so many more things I could talk about, but these are the things that immediately came to mind.  Hopefully it inspires some people to either book a trip to Istanbul or maybe just find a Turkish restaurant in their area.

Frederick Douglass and Donald Trump: Why Black History Month Isn’t Enough

Every February, K-12 schools across America scurry around making preparations for Black History Month.  Elementary school kids learn about George Washington Carver and his peanuts, middle school students read MLK’s “I Have A Dream” speech, and high schoolers spend a half hour or so on some Maya Angelou poems in English class.  There might be a Civil Rights documentary thrown in, just to mix things up.  At the end of the month, the decorations and xeroxed copies of noble-sounding black histories are stuffed into the supply closet until next year.

I know it’s not this way at every school, but it is at a lot of them.

There are many things that baffle me about Donald Trump, but one of the main ones is that he consistently gets away with saying things that make absolutely no sense, or have absolutely no basis in truth.  Examples of this abound and it would be impossible to list them all here (although I’m sure someone has, or at least hope someone has), but to name two, I about spit my drink out when I read his comments about Frederick Douglass at a Black History event earlier this month, and I got incredibly angry when he had the audacity to be disrespectful towards John Lewis in January, before Trump even took office.

At the Black History event, he talked about Douglass in a vague yet thoroughly bizarre way where, among other things, he seemed to think Douglass is still alive.  (For the record, Douglass died in 1895.)  For the second, he attacked Lewis on twitter, calling Lewis “all talk, no action.”  It is galling to think that he would even dare to say such a thing to someone who has a long history of activism and civil service (action and activism have the same root, in case Trump isn’t aware), including marching beside MLK Jr., being physically assaulted, literally risking his life and watching as others were murdered for the same cause, and repeatedly arrested.  It’s even more galling to think of Trump,  who was handed his wealth from the time he was born, to accuse Lewis, whose parents were sharecroppers, of not taking action.

Each time, I wondered to myself: How does he get away with this?  And then I realized… he gets away with it because a lot of people really have no idea who Frederick Douglass and John Lewis are, any more than Trump does.

The way we teach black history, black contributions, black lives to our children is extremely limited and extremely whitewashed.  We don’t do it much to begin with, and we tend to present the rose-colored glasses version anyway; we exhort MLK for his peaceful methods but don’t talk about how hated he was by white people at the time, how he was spied on by the FBI, and how his peaceful methods got him killed.  We celebrate Angelou’s “Phenomenal Woman” poem but don’t talk about how ownership, figuratively and literally, of black women’s bodies is a dark and ongoing part of our social and political narrative.

And we tend to teach race from a white perspective.  When I was teaching 11th grade English and AP literature in North Carolina, I got pushback from parents on teaching Frederick Douglass and Toni Morrison; in both cases, the parents suggested I teach The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn instead– in one instance, it was literally phrased to me in an email, “If you have to teach a race book, why don’t you teach Huck Finn?”  I explained that I *do* teach Huck Finn in 11th grade, in tandem with Frederick Douglass, but that it’s also important to teach books that are, you know, written by black people, not just about them. (And let’s not even touch the problematic usage of the term “race book” in the email.  The parent ended up removing their son from my class.)

The argument was that the Douglass memoir was too violent– because it is okay to portray slaves as bumbling but good-hearted fools in Huck Finn, but not to show the actual, horrible reality of slavery written by a slave himself.

The argument against Song of Solomon was that the language was too rough– because it’s okay to read the n-word 219 times in Huck Finn but 18-year-olds can’t handle reading the f-bomb a handful of times.

What I’m saying is, we have to do better.  We can’t just trot out the Harriet Tubman picture books once a year in February and read them to squirming groups of third graders during story time; we can’t just use the same texts like the “I Have A Dream” speech and Huck Finn over and over and over, until the students are so freaking bored that they want to bash their brains out, all while learning a very narrow slice of black history.  We can’t have Martin Luther King Jr. and Mark Twain (!!!) represent all black experience; we can’t just mention that the Founding Fathers owned slaves in a sidebar of a history textbook and ignore it the rest of the time while telling our own history.  America was literally built on the back of unpaid black labor; you can’t tell me that’s not important.

We need to teach black history alongside white history throughout the year, not just in 28 days.  We need to assign books, essays, and poems by black writers who talk about their own experience, not white writers who talk about the black experience for them.  We need to look at more modern black history in context and realize that MLK is not the only prominent black person from the last 100 years.

We need to educate citizens who know who Frederick Douglass is– and Phyllis Wheatley and Countee Cullen and Jean Toomer and Stokely Carmichael and Angela Davis and thousands of other names worth knowing–  and can call bullshit when a president attacks a preeminent civil rights leader on twitter.

Black History Month is a starting point but it’s not enough.  It’s never been enough, and each one of us needs to do our duty as educators to work a wider view of black history into our curricula throughout the year.  As tempting as it is to say that it’s more important than ever, the truth is that it’s always been important, but now is the time to buckle down and make it happen.